Time for Change

Well, it definitely has been awhile since I have posted here.
With it being a new year, I decided that I should keep up with my blog, whether I think my life is exciting or not.
It is good to get my thoughts out and I enjoy giving people insight on my life and how I live the Lifestyle.

So, what is new?

First, I have decided to let go of the many demons of my past that haunt me and I am going to focus more on the present.
Easier said than done, but Daddy and I are doing great in our relationship and there is no reason for me to focus on hurt that we have both done to each other. Our struggles made our love deeper and our bond tighter. I am happy and I am very glad to have him in my life. It is my pleasure to serve and obey him. I can’t wait for the many adventures that we will go on this year.

Second, we have finally found a wonderful BDSM group that is very welcoming. We have gone to their place twice and each time Daddy and I have had a good time. Never have I felt so comfortable around people. They are understanding, respectful, and very committed to the Lifestyle. They are building their own dungeon, that we got to play in on New Year’s Eve. I am glad that we have found friends in this Lifestyle.

Lastly, there are a lot of changes that I plan on doing this year. I am going to continue my passion to learn more about the Lifestyle. I always want to be a better little/sub for my Daddy. I need to get my sleeping schedule back on track. This falling asleep at 5 a.m. and sleeping until 2 in the afternoon is NOT working. I hate insomnia. Let’s see, what else…Oh! I need to be more active. I can’t just spend the day watching tv and being on the internet. I need to keep up with my chores, especially laundry, even though I hate it to no end. I need to get back into my writing. I am really good with my words when I put the effort into it. I just need to learn to stay focused. And that is my biggest change I need to make- BEING MORE FOCUSED. When I start a task, I need to stick with it. I need to get back on a schedule and actually follow it. AAAAHHHH…so much I want to do, but I believe in myself.

So with all that said, I am excited for 2015.
It is going to be a great year.

And I will never say this enough…I am so thankful to have found my Daddy and the BDSM Lifestyle.
It has changed my life for the better. I will NEVER go back to vanilla.

Who Am I?

I constantly ask the question, “Why do you stay with me?”
I ask this because I truly don’t know. I find myself being hopeless and helpless.
I had an emotional breakdown last night and it was terrifying.
I was questioning whether or not I should be in the Lifestyle.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself somewhere and I’m having trouble finding her again.
My interests in everything has almost disappeared.
I’m just drifting through the days, like a ghost. Hollow. Sad. Searching.

I think it truly is my medication. It has turned my mind into a spiderweb of chaos.
I can’t think straight. My emotions are all over the place.
I just want to be me again.

My Mind, My Body

I have been debating for weeks whether or not I should stop taking my medication or stay on it. Part of me wants to get off of it because I went through over a month of hell with my depression. It was scary. I don’t like feeling helpless or hopeless like that, especially when I have someone who loves me and wants to help me.

I am deciding now, that I will stay on my medication. I will comply with the doctors. I will work hard to make my mind and my body stronger and healthier. I am a good candidate for Medicaid and SSI, and I don’t want to give that up. It will help me more than I know (although, I feel kinda weird being as young as I am and getting SSI).

Sigh…I want to give up sometimes. Dealing with doctors, therapists, medication, etc. All of it is a headache. But, I need to remain strong. I need to be the one in control. I need to tell them that this THIS is what I want. They need to know that THIS is MY body and I need to know what I’m putting into it and how exactly it is going to help me.

I believe in myself.

Siren’s Song

You’re drowning in the most beautiful way.
You soothe these singing voices.
Reluctant to reach out as you
Pluck the million strings of my rhythmless heart.

You dance beckons me.
You move like smoke from my cigarette.
Lit on fire, I’m trapped in your snare.
I freely resign from this world.

Did you ever think that I would say yes to your deathly waves?
Is it so obvious that I can’t refuse you?

You’re drowning…
You’re drowning…
You’re drowning in the most beautiful way.

Am I far from your forgiveness?
You lust to play this harmony between us.
I confess that your advances
Have me drowning.

I am drowning.
Yes, I am drowning
In your beautiful waves.

Mind Vomit

I’m listening to “The Noose” by A Perfect Circle and it matches my mood right now. It sucks me into nostalgia so fast that I get whiplash. I see that young girl again. I see her locked in her bedroom, rain pounding the windows, sitting on the floor with her back against the bed. Her eyes are closed. All she feels is the music. That’s all she wants to feel. She wants the pain to stop. She wants the voices to hush. All she wants is peace, yet it seems so imaginary. She knows if she opens her eyes, tears will fall.

Now, I’m listening to “Pet” by A Perfect Circle. The young girl gets up. She goes to the window to watch the rain fall and wishes she was out there. She wants to be washed by the rain. She starts to feel enraged. Is she meant to always be so unloved? Is she meant to be alone. Is there just one? All she hears is that voice in her head, the one saying that they will take care of her.

Sigh….random words. Just a little insight on what goes on in my mind.

Cracks in the Mask

Am I a joke to you?
Do I make you laugh?
Where’s the punchline that I don’t see?
Where have you place my dignity
That you cleaved away from me?

Am I humorous?
Do I make you smile?
Is there conclusion to this amusing tale?
Is there a path, a simple trail
Away from your mind that is my hell?

Am I funny?
Do I tickle your fancy?
How does it feel now that the tables are turned?
How hot does it make you burn
Knowing everything you planned I learned?

What a joke your are!
How humorous you are!
Who is more funny now?
This is what you have allowed.
Your show is done. Please, take a bow.

Trying to Change

So, I am going to try to get off of my medication. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve gained almost 20 lbs. I feel worse than I ever have before. The side effects are enough to make a person go crazy. I want to try to do this by myself. I know I have done this several times in my life since I was 14 and I know I told myself that I would truly stick with it this time, but I just can’t handle it. My life is different now. I have someone who is supportive, loves me, takes care of me, and does everything he can to make me happy. I am in a Lifestyle that helps me and opens me up to new experiences. I really think that I can do it this time. Although it scares me, I know that if it ever came to the point of me wanting to seriously hurt myself or hurt someone else, Daddy would have me hospitalized. I would hate it, but I understand it. He loves me. He wants me safe.
My appointment with my doctor is the 23rd. I am going to tell her that I want off my meds and how to do it the safe way. I know I can do this. I just have to believe in myself.

My BDSM, My World

It is true that no matter how long you have been in BDSM, you still learn something new everyday.
I have been in this Lifestyle a year and 4 months. I have learned a lot and I am still learning.

Yesterday, I was introduced into domming for the first time and it was a great experience for me. I am excited to do it again next week. I hope having a male sub will work out because I know I can learn even more about myself.
I am finding myself wanting to get into rope work more, not just being tied, but practice tying as well. I’ve been wanting to find myself a hobby, so this would be a good one for me and will help exercise my mind.
I am constantly thinking about more things I can do in the Lifestyle now that my moods have been stabilizing. I want to be the one to think of scenes, write some erotica maybe, and start edging a lot more.
I constantly want to push myself in this Lifestyle.

Although I am not a veteran, I would love to mentor people who are curious in the Lifestyle and teach them what the Lifestyle is really about. I was honored by someone on my Facebook who thought my posts were very intriguing and interesting. I hoped a shed a bright light on a subject many still don’t know about, but also have a close mind to.
I just saw someone on my Facebook say that you can’t just turn off the BDSM mindset. I wholeheartedly agree.

Although I love pain, I am not always feeling up to being a masochist.
I may want to do sensual play like fire, wax, or the violet wand.
There are days I can’t take reality and I dive myself into little space.
I grab my binky and my teddy bear and I color pictures for my Daddy.
Maybe I just sit on the couch with him and act goofy because I feel like it.
Maybe I do want some pain and I want him to light my back up with the belt, whips, and tails.
Who knows.
Every day, I feel something different.
Every day, I feel my Daddy’s power.
There are days we may not do anything at all. Sometimes after work, we just like to relax.
Doesn’t mean we have all of a sudden turned off.
I still obey him. I still serve him.
I will always want to.
I can’t make that go away.

I will never stop saying how much this Lifestyle helped change my life and how Daddy saved my life. I found myself through this Lifestyle and I can never let it go. All of us do differently, but our goal is the same: To explore our desires without judgement. The more I see hints of BDSM in the media, maybe there is one day that it won’t be judged.

HA! Just kidding. I doubt it.
That’s okay. We like being the normal ones. 😉